Old habits are hard to kick...

As the days grow colder, I find myself staying indoors more often. Indoors means mindless snacking, or sedentary activities (reading, movies, writing, etc.) With each day i chose to not face the cold, I feel my inner demon fighting to the surface...I have already pulled out the scales and placed sticky notes on all my food...anything to remind myself that food is the enemy. I spent a major portion of my evening clipping out "skinny" girls from old magazines so I can create my thinspiration book....I know it may not be the healthiest way to accomplish my goals, but being 54lbs over weight isn't healthy either. In fact it is down right awful. It affects every aspect of my life. I have a lack of energy (so I get easily exhausted from my work, and have no desire to play with my dog), I have low self-esteem and virtually no confidence (I am faking what I can for now) but how long will that last? Soon  I will be looking for self-worth and validation through external sources like sex, and stealing other girls men, just to prove I can! I don't really want them...I just want to feel wanted, desired, and sexy. I hate the way my clothes are fitting, and the way my mirror reminds me how disgusting I am...I remember the hell I went through to become "normal" but somewhere along the line, I crossed normal into unhealthy and over weight...The comfort and solace i used to find in running, and working out has long since been replaced with chocolate and other high caloric high fat foods!
A drastic change is needed if i am to overcome this and let my inner size 2 out to play! I have just enough courage and disgust in myself to take that needed step into my past and bring ana back. Not to such a harmful extreme as before, just enough to make a visible change, to find my beautiful body, my healthy weight. The goal? Lose 54 lbs in 30 weeks. See, perfectly reasonable. No need to worry. During this time, I will look into healthful cooking classes and learn how to maintain my new body properly with the right exercise and nutrition. Until I reach maintenance levels however, I will use whatever means necessary to achieve this goal. 
Pro ana lifestyles do not mean starvation, so please do not misunderstand. It is simply a thin lifestyle change. An awareness of what goes into my body, why and how often. While I have started today to monitor, Monday will be the official start day of my 30 week challenge!
Time to get started! First things first, get OFF the computer and get moving!!