Hot mess...

I am sure you have heard 

'hot mess" used to describe many different people and situations....today I use it as a description of self. I have recently come to realize, I am a hot mess. 

I attend church, I enjoy the lessons taught, the people i socialize with (usually), I enjoy the concept of Heaven, and working towards that end.....however, I also enjoy indulging in a drink now and again with friends, or going to the bars and going dancing, flirting with complete strangers...

When the mood so strikes when in a relationship, I enjoy getting down and dirty. 

I got a tattoo this week, it has immense meaning to me. It incorporates values taught to me by my loving grandparents, and the love I shared with them and share with my mom as well....

I talk to God (pray) when I need to, when I remember to, when I am lonely, sad, grateful, relieved..........I don't remember to always pray morning and night on my knees by my bed. I do not read my scriptures daily, weekly, or even monthly. I read them when I seek inspiration, when I seek to feel closer to God, when I wish to delve into history, when I want to remind myself of God's amazing love, when I want to remind myself others struggle too, often with the same underlying issues, even more often, with things I could never fathom experiencing and surviving....I read them when I see them sitting on my shelves, or when I realize it has been too long...

I do not always use lady like language, in fact i often let my mouth runaway....and I am abrasive and abrupt in the words I use and the manner in which I speak.

I have recently begun a daily workout.....which is to say, I workout daily. Sometimes very lazily and only for the minimum 30minutes. Other days I'm like a cracked out rock star, busting out an hour and a half, two hours of cardio, and then weight training. I am only two weeks in, so I am still a fat chick. But I am working my ass off to improve the body I have been blessed with.

Does the combination of all this make me a bad person? Apparently it does, at least according to 90% of the people around me and in my life. I prefer to believe that God isn't looking down thinking "oops that girl is a mistake! She is a terrible person, I should just strike her down now" I would like to think that He loves me no matter what, and that He understands my struggles, and challenges, and that I'm a mixed up little girl in a woman's body, just trying to find my way in life. Isn't everyone? Okay, I know everyone is not a little girl, in a woman's body....I just think everyone is a little mixed up, and struggling to find their way in life...

I look around and see all kinds of people. Those that "have it together" and those that are "trying"....and it doesn't matter, I know EVERYONE has struggles to some degree....so why am I labeled such a bad person for the things I do to cope with my personal struggles?

I guess I am just letting everything get to me tonight. I miss my baby girl, and still don't understand why she was taken away so small. I miss having the love, comfort and security of a marriage. I miss having my mother close enough to visit. I miss having a good relationship with my sister Melody.....basically my life is not where I would like it to be at this moment. i am working at it though, changing what i can. 

So as I work on what I can, and change what I must. I pull myself together, and try to trust. I will face the days ahead with a renewed strength found from where? God only knows. A smile on my face, and a prayer in my heart, I will fake my way through until I find my place in this world. 

Until I find my niche...........I remain a hot mess. And today, today, I am okay with it.