New YEAR New YOU!

It seems to me, that whenever a new year begins, people try to change them selves over night. Not in little subtle ways to improve upon their already designed  character. They attempt to modify themselves in every area of their lives. It soon appears it is an insurmountable feat. When they realize this, they lower their expectations, become complacent and eventually just give up. The reason for the new YEARS goals, is that it is a goal to accomplish over the next 12 months! Break that "insurmountable" goal into easy to achieve goals. As you check off your little goals, you will feel accomplished, renewed and successful! Inevitably completing your new years goal by the end of the year! 
I have a habit of setting new goals about every 6 months. Not always for self improvement, but to keep me working towards something. I have already accomplished a goal I had set out to do by the end of 2012, it also appeared on my bucket list! GET A MEANINGFUL TATTOO. It was my first, and likely my only tattoo. I adore it :) The experience was enjoyable from beginning to end, and pain free which was surprising. With that out of the way, here are a few of the things I would like to accomplish this year to create the "new" me.

1.Take a dance class- not to ACTUALLY learn to dance, just for a fun way to improve on balance, grace, and to keep my body moving.

2. Go rock climbing-I would like to go to the climbing gym here in Boise, and attempt rock climbing again. I have done it before and loved it. However, it has been years, and I am not exactly equipped to just jump in where I left of.

3. Go skydiving- this was one I had planned for  this past summer, unfortunately a torn LCL prevented me from doing much this summer. So this year, I would love to go for my birthday!

4. Play chess- I want to learn the original game of strategy. I think it will be fun :)

5. Take the necessary steps to be 100% debt free- I have a lot of medical debt unfortunately, so I want to consolidate and attack the stack of bills!

6.Maintain and improve my fitness routine- I am actually in  good rhythm now for my workouts. Starting to see results. I just need to remember to pair the workouts with proper nutrition.  *side note, I would like to improve my flexibility as well, but I believe this will be done through my fitness goals already in place.

7. Go back to school- not entirely sure that I have settled on exactly what I wish to study when I go back, but I do wish to at least get my feet wet and get in there to explore a few more options.

So there it is, my 2012 list of goals. I will be sure to set them in the

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Realistic

Timely

goal setting style. I hope each of you has an incredible end to what was a challenging year. May we all be blessed with the courage, strength and dedication for this next year! Welcome to 2012!

 

Unsettled

Today is one of those days where no matter what I do, I feel unsettled. As though there is something amiss, something terribly wrong and I can't figure it out...
Going out with a few friends tonight to a movie and then heading downtown. It should be fun, but really, if I can't calm my nerves will there be a bad energy with me all night? I am hoping to relax and have fun! Maybe even meet a new man! i have had great luck as of late on my nights out...
Tonight is MY N.Y.E. celebration, since I work tomorrow. So wish me luck in the fun department.

Hard days, lonely nights...

I don't know how much more I can take. I am on the emotional ledge and ready to fall into an emotional melt down.
My favorite client is straddling that very fine line between here in this world and whatever lies beyond. At this point, I don't even know what I believe lies beyond. She seems so scared of whatever "visits" her in her room. Yet, other times, she seems at peace, content, and blissfully unaware of her current situation. So what awaits her in the end? Fear? Bliss? I just feel completely helpless when it comes to comforting her...i am doing the best that I can but, is it enough? Does it make any difference at all?
Then when coming home from an emotionally draining day, I get to come home to my sister who is on leave and visiting until saturday. As far as i am concerned, I am relieved that she will be leaving saturday. Last night she crossed what I would call the ultimate sister/girl code no no line. She fucked my fuck buddy...really?! Who does that?! He came over to see me, comfort me after a long day, and then she digs her claws in and turns it all on her. Fine, she needs the attention more than me. Did she really need to take it that far though?! And what the hell was he thinking?!?!?! He is kissing me on second then has his hand down her pants the next??? ALL WHILE IN MY HOUSE WHILE I A LAYING BESIDE THEM!!! Then I politely, yet, obviously excuse myself to bed so that i don't have to watch this surreal car wreck of an activity in front of me....and they get loud! for what? my benefit? Let me clue you in...that will lead to physical harm on your behalf if you continue and take away from my sleep!!!
I am far too emotional to even sort out my thoughts anymore....I will jump online and write my invisible, imaginary  audience again later.
Thanks for reading my tale of woe...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!! I HOPE YOUR DAY IS FILLED WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS, AND FUN THAT NEVER ENDS!

LOVE ALWAYS,
ME

Hot mess...

I am sure you have heard 

'hot mess" used to describe many different people and situations....today I use it as a description of self. I have recently come to realize, I am a hot mess. 

I attend church, I enjoy the lessons taught, the people i socialize with (usually), I enjoy the concept of Heaven, and working towards that end.....however, I also enjoy indulging in a drink now and again with friends, or going to the bars and going dancing, flirting with complete strangers...

When the mood so strikes when in a relationship, I enjoy getting down and dirty. 

I got a tattoo this week, it has immense meaning to me. It incorporates values taught to me by my loving grandparents, and the love I shared with them and share with my mom as well....

I talk to God (pray) when I need to, when I remember to, when I am lonely, sad, grateful, relieved..........I don't remember to always pray morning and night on my knees by my bed. I do not read my scriptures daily, weekly, or even monthly. I read them when I seek inspiration, when I seek to feel closer to God, when I wish to delve into history, when I want to remind myself of God's amazing love, when I want to remind myself others struggle too, often with the same underlying issues, even more often, with things I could never fathom experiencing and surviving....I read them when I see them sitting on my shelves, or when I realize it has been too long...

I do not always use lady like language, in fact i often let my mouth runaway....and I am abrasive and abrupt in the words I use and the manner in which I speak.

I have recently begun a daily workout.....which is to say, I workout daily. Sometimes very lazily and only for the minimum 30minutes. Other days I'm like a cracked out rock star, busting out an hour and a half, two hours of cardio, and then weight training. I am only two weeks in, so I am still a fat chick. But I am working my ass off to improve the body I have been blessed with.

Does the combination of all this make me a bad person? Apparently it does, at least according to 90% of the people around me and in my life. I prefer to believe that God isn't looking down thinking "oops that girl is a mistake! She is a terrible person, I should just strike her down now" I would like to think that He loves me no matter what, and that He understands my struggles, and challenges, and that I'm a mixed up little girl in a woman's body, just trying to find my way in life. Isn't everyone? Okay, I know everyone is not a little girl, in a woman's body....I just think everyone is a little mixed up, and struggling to find their way in life...

I look around and see all kinds of people. Those that "have it together" and those that are "trying"....and it doesn't matter, I know EVERYONE has struggles to some degree....so why am I labeled such a bad person for the things I do to cope with my personal struggles?

I guess I am just letting everything get to me tonight. I miss my baby girl, and still don't understand why she was taken away so small. I miss having the love, comfort and security of a marriage. I miss having my mother close enough to visit. I miss having a good relationship with my sister Melody.....basically my life is not where I would like it to be at this moment. i am working at it though, changing what i can. 

So as I work on what I can, and change what I must. I pull myself together, and try to trust. I will face the days ahead with a renewed strength found from where? God only knows. A smile on my face, and a prayer in my heart, I will fake my way through until I find my place in this world. 

Until I find my niche...........I remain a hot mess. And today, today, I am okay with it.

It is silly to me the things people bond over. "you have ten toes? I have ten toes! Let's be friends." Okay so not all of it is that ridiculous, but really...look at what brings people together. 
For instance, my sister and I bond over clothes, makeup, music, addictions and boys...but this Christmas break, I have found that we bond over a common friend. Ana. I didn't realize she knew Ana, let alone so well! Turns out, as we share our hopes, dreams, desires, and secrets.we find even more common ground. It has helped strengthen us greatly. As sisters, as friends, and as cheerleaders for one another in our aspirations.
Together we have encouraged each other towards our fitness goal. This week we have hit the gym twice a day and walked the dog daily...improved on the choices we make for nutrition. I am feeling a little better in my decisions and more confident in my workout routine. I am hoping to see results sooner rather than later. My weight fluctuates more frequently than the weatherman's predictions! I want to be thin and beautiful! I know it will take time, it took my sister nearly a year! I don't know that I have her patience, or dedication. She seems to think I do. Encouraging me and supporting my efforts. 
What will I do when she leaves? This Thursday afternoon, after I get my tattoo, she is heading to Utah. Am I strong enough to be my own cheerleader? To call myself on my own bs? Will I manage to keep the pace she has set for me? I need someone here who knows what I need. I need someone to not judge me, but encourage me to keep balanced. Will I have the dedication needed to make the proper meals, to keep going and making sure to never put trash into my body? I pray that I do. I pray with all of my heart that I have the ability to purge my life of all the terrible things and only bring in and keep the good. 
I am so very grateful for the bonds I have. With my sister, and with my friends. I may not feel like they always know me, or at  least not the REAL me, but I am thankful for their efforts regardless. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I hope, one day, to be the best that I can. I hope to always be there for all of those who have been there for me. to be there for all of those in need of encouragement, support, and love.
Lord, let me be there for all of those in need of a bond. Let me graciously, and sweetly bond over toes, clothes, and whatever they seek as common ground as long as it is good in thy sight.
 

Ordinary days....

Hello world!

There haven't really been any over the top, steal my breath away excitements lately. Life has been all about the ordinary day in, day out. 
My sister Jen is coming into town tonight. I get to pick her up at 11:30 tonight. I am so excited to see her! It has been a one year to the day, and that is one year too long! She drives me crazy, but I love her dearly and wouldn't know what to do without her. I have to tighten the reigns on ana, she's more in control now than I am. While Jen is here, I will do all that she tells me to (I asked for her help in thinning down). And If her results don't rival that of ana's then when she leaves I will follow ana's plan.
The 22nd of this month at noon, I am getting my first (and probably only) tattoo! I am so nervous and extremely excited about it! My mom drew it up, and it incorporates my grandparents, so it has so much sentiment all the way around! I can't wait! I am pretty sure I am going to cry. I don't handle pain well. After my tattoo is complete, I can mark one item off my bucket list as well as my new year's resolutions (I know I started early). I usually do. Once I have a goal drawn up I begin on it. I don't have the patience to wait...
So tonight before the airport reunion with my sis, I've got a friend date. Myself, my date, Angie and my cousin Ryan are all going bowling tonight :) I haven't been in ages! If every single one of my balls doesn't end up in the gutter I will call the night a success =)
I suppose I should go and run all my errands before I need to get ready...
Hope each of you (whoever you may be) has a wonderful day and a marvelous weekend!