As the days grow colder, I find myself staying indoors more often. Indoors means mindless snacking, or sedentary activities (reading, movies, writing, etc.) With each day i chose to not face the cold, I feel my inner demon fighting to the surface...I have already pulled out the scales and placed sticky notes on all my food...anything to remind myself that food is the enemy. I spent a major portion of my evening clipping out "skinny" girls from old magazines so I can create my thinspiration book....I know it may not be the healthiest way to accomplish my goals, but being 54lbs over weight isn't healthy either. In fact it is down right awful. It affects every aspect of my life. I have a lack of energy (so I get easily exhausted from my work, and have no desire to play with my dog), I have low self-esteem and virtually no confidence (I am faking what I can for now) but how long will that last? Soon I will be looking for self-worth and validation through external sources like sex, and stealing other girls men, just to prove I can! I don't really want them...I just want to feel wanted, desired, and sexy. I hate the way my clothes are fitting, and the way my mirror reminds me how disgusting I am...I remember the hell I went through to become "normal" but somewhere along the line, I crossed normal into unhealthy and over weight...The comfort and solace i used to find in running, and working out has long since been replaced with chocolate and other high caloric high fat foods! A drastic change is needed if i am to overcome this and let my inner size 2 out to play! I have just enough courage and disgust in myself to take that needed step into my past and bring ana back. Not to such a harmful extreme as before, just enough to make a visible change, to find my beautiful body, my healthy weight. The goal? Lose 54 lbs in 30 weeks. See, perfectly reasonable. No need to worry. During this time, I will look into healthful cooking classes and learn how to maintain my new body properly with the right exercise and nutrition. Until I reach maintenance levels however, I will use whatever means necessary to achieve this goal. Pro ana lifestyles do not mean starvation, so please do not misunderstand. It is simply a thin lifestyle change. An awareness of what goes into my body, why and how often. While I have started today to monitor, Monday will be the official start day of my 30 week challenge! Time to get started! First things first, get OFF the computer and get moving!!
THANK YOU: For each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
In a world that seems to encourage people to rush without a second thought, I feel that we lose sight of the precious things in life. Those simple, almost inconsequential moments that bring a smile to your face, or warm your heart. The reaction can be so fleeting, that you may not realize it at the time; but take a moment now to ponder on the little things that warm your heart.
Being that it is the day after thanksgiving and all of America is in a grateful mindset I think it appropriate to share my ever growing, never ending "thankful" list. I should mention, I LOVE LISTS. To do lists, check lists, bucket lists, shopping lists, etc. but I digress, back to the list of things I am thankful to have in my life, these items are in no order other than as I thought of them I wrote them down.
1. Dried fruit- I would be remiss to not mention this, as I sit here eating raisins and typing.
2. Snow capped mountains
3. A warm bed to sleep in
4. Fresh fruit
5. Fresh water
6. CHOCOLATE
7. A child's laughter or smile
8. Health of today
9. A good book to read
10. The ability to read.
11. Dishwashers
12. Good conversation
13. Good friends
14. Nature walks
15. HUGS
16. My pets
17. Warm showers and Hot baths
18. Weather-I love listening to the wind, rain, watching the snow, feeling the sun on my face...
19. Starry nights
20. Libraries
21. Lazy days
22. Productive days
23. LOVE
24. Sex
25. Sweet kisses, passionate kisses
26. A kiss on the forehead
27. A walk in the rain or falling snow
28. A moment of laughter shared with a friend. Heck, laughter shared with anyone is amazing!
29. A strangers sincere smile
30. Comedians
31. Tupperware
32. Friends
33. A career I love
34. A truck that makes my commute to work a 20 min drive.
35. Music
36. Singing (even if you're not that good at it, do it anyway...love it)
37. A fluffy cloud. I like to find different shapes. Don't judge me, you do it to.
38. Mugs, for hot cocoa.
39. Makeup
40. Technology
41. Spices
42. Listening to water- waterfalls, rivers, streams, brooks, ocean....
43. Classic authors
44. Fuzzy blankets
45. Crayola
46. Practical jokes
47. Phones
48. SLEEPING
49. Flirting
50. Flying
51. Boating
52. Tan lines
53. Teachers willing to help others progress and learn
54. Elliptical
55. French toast and bacon
56. Jewelry
57. Caller ID
58. Rainbows
59. Campfires
60. Fireplaces
61. Pubic parks
62. Cleaning products that make housework zip by.
63. Doors
*~*I am most grateful for the gospel and the truth it brings. I am so very blessed to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am grateful for all the opportunities I have been given in my life. I am so blessed, in so many ways. I couldn't possibly express them all or I would be here all day!*~*
If you are curious about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints please visit:
*www.mormon.org
or
*www.lds.org
"Gratitude is a mark of a noble soul and
a refined character. We like to be around those who are grateful. They
tend to brighten all around them. They make others feel better about
themselves. They tend to be more humble, more joyful, more likable." ~~~"Live in Thanksgiving Daily," Ensign, Sept. 2001~~~
In the last three days I have had approximately six hours of sleep. Why? Because apparently there is some serious psychological issues I need to be working through. At least that is what my brain says...I have been having nightmares. The kind that wake you, and when you awake you realize you've been crying. Yes the kind of nightmare that leaves you feeling insecure, unsafe and a bit like a failure. Everything in me is begging for a peaceful nights sleep, and yet I can't help but see the bright side in a dreary situation. I have been able to get in some much needed reading, everything has become increasingly funny, and I have lost 8 lbs. due to no appetite. On top of all those lovely perks, I have to say my days have been delightful. I had a wonderful weekend with friends, and was able to attend church for the first time in months! Things in my life are going very well, or so it seems at the moment. Which then begs the question, what on earth are my nightmares about?! Maybe there is no dark seeded issue needing to be worked out after all. Or maybe waking every night after only an hour or so of sleep IS how I will work through these unknown issues. Still, I think a full nights rest would be a good idea tonight! Here's hoping... Tomorrow is my friend Amber's 24th birthday! I would hate to be sleepy or worse, cranky when trying to help her celebrate 24 years of life's experiences :) She has been such a gem in my life, she deserves a wonderful carefree day of simple joys!! I would like to throw her a party, the only problem lies in I don't know who else she likes well enough to share her birthday with....I SHOULD KNOW these thongs as a best friend, and yet somehow every name that pops into my head just seems to me that they bug her... It may not be a surprise, but after talking to her I will have a suitable list of guests and we can plan a fun evening :)
Hypothetical question-If you do something that feels so right in the moment, but is so wrong in retrospect, but you DON'T feel guilty......is it still wrong?
I suppose I should have prefaced this by saying, When I pose a hypothetical question, it means that I've done something
extremely stupid and got myself into big trouble and am trying to get
ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I'm in
that situation.
I know that what I have done, should be considered wrong, and the fact that it can potentially affect so many different lives if it continues is what worries me most.....I find myself wondering if I am conscience free. Things that seem to greatly affect other people don't have any sway over me. I can feign concern, disappointment, disgust, and worry. But at the end of the day, I am still that girl who is OKAY with everything she has done. I have enough self control that I truly believe, if I didn't want to do it or say it I wouldn't have....okay, so maybe my mouth gets miles ahead of my mind, but I have the common decency to go back and correct what I could have said with more tact, or waited to say all together.
So, Why, when it feels so right to me and elicits pure joy and excitement, does the rest of the world say it is taboo and I should feel guilt? Further more, why is this fogging my brain? Could it be I feel guilty? No, I am more concerned with her finding out in the worst way, when i should be the one to tell her. But if she doesn't know, it really isn't hurting her. Besides, she knows 80 % of the story... I just left out the naughty bits. I am protecting her delicate feelings. Is that really such a betrayal? I have to believe that some omissions are for the greater good.
I am not a bad person. I am flawed just like everyone else. I push doors clearly marked pull, I laugh even harder when someone asks me to explain why I am laughing in the first place. I walk into a room and forget why I went in there, I lie to hide the pain, I say it is a long story, when in reality I just don't want to discuss it. I cry a lot more than anyone thinks I do, I get attached to people who show they care about me even a little. I take things way to seriously at times, and I definitely over think every situation....
I don't think things are simply right or wrong. It is always more complicated than that. So Should I keep my secret, or tell? The thing I keep forgetting, is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. The problem with secrets, is even when you think you're in control, you're not...
I believe my first blog should be a warning to all future readers (if there be any): If it comes across my mind, it comes out my mouth. Or in this case, my fingers immortalize my words by placing them here for all to read. On second thought (wish I had more of those, they would save me a lot of grief) perhaps I should not keep a blog.... With that being said, and my second thought being ignored, please read at your own risk...and enjoy!
